This question has been bouncing around in my mind over the last few days. What are the motivations for acting kindly and doing generous acts for others? In the psychology of happiness theories, doing things for others has a direct correlation with a person's happiness... it makes us feel warm and fuzzy. But for me, it also makes me feel connected with people. I like the concept of being a part of a community, however local or global it may be. Doing things for others often helps to build that community and foster relationships within it... whether it is by holding the door for someone at the post office or helping to build houses for people on the other side of the globe.
Speaking of holding the door open for others, let me share a little story that took place in my new neighborhood. I got home from work at 4:15 to find a note in my mailbox that a package was waiting at the post office. After a quick check on the post office's website, I determined I had about 12 minutes to make it to the post office. So I grabbed the dog and got in the car, fingers crossed that we'd make it in time despite the afternoon traffic. I pulled up just at 4:26, happy that I'd be able to get the big package today. When I showed the slip to the kindly postal worker, he explained the slip was filled out incorrectly, and the package won't be available for pick up until tomorrow. For some reason, this annoyed me. It's not as though I was awaiting anything important, but rather some medicine, treats and a new litter box for the animals. Nonetheless, I was frustrated and unsure of when I'd be able to make it to the post office again this week during normal business hours. As I harumphed my way out of the post office, a woman was walking up the stairs armed with a box of packages to be mailed. I waited for her, holding the door so she could ease in just as the clock struck 4:30. When she passed me and entered without saying 'thank you' for my kindly act, I found myself saying 'You're welcome' after her. Harumph. When I got down to the sidewalk, a man approached me explaining that the woman who'd just gone in the post office dropped this package out of her box. And, he was walking his dog so he couldn't bring it in to her. Would I mind? Why, I'd love to, almost getting a smug sense of satisfaction of 'killing her with kindness'... she couldn't say thank you, and I will just go one step further and help her out some more. I trotted into the post office, handed her the package, explaining she had dropped it outside, and she motioned what I recognized to be sign language 'Thank you'.
Oh. So it wasn't that she was ungrateful for my act of kindness by holding the door open to her. What is wrong with me? I saw her walking in again after I'd left the post office carrying some more packages, and so I went over to her car and helped her carry in the rest of her packages. It was my penance, whether she even realized it or not, for my selfishness and false assumptions. It got me thinking... why do I expect that people thank me for things I do like open the door, let a car into my lane or offer to help a friend move? If I didn't receive this gratitude, would I stop giving? And, most of all, who am I to assume that someone is ungrateful or rude if I don't hear the verbal thank you or receive a note in the mail?
The wisdom of my high school english teacher rings true... When you assume, you make an ass out of u and me. Whoops.
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