There are often moments when I am around certain family members that I just feel disconnected. Perhaps I assume we have little in common, or that if I tell them what is really on my mind they won't understand or appreciate what I say. Often it has to do with differences in communication. I am talker, a thinker and now, a writer. I try to be expressive about my feelings and emotions and find it sometimes difficult to relate to people who don't share this way of being. I talk to my parents at least 3-4 times a week, and they tend to know what is going on in my daily life (like what I had for dinner, who I saw over the weekend, etc) in addition to knowing how I'm feeling emotionally and spiritually. Ryan does not have that same relationship with his parents, although he and I do have that type of relationship with each other (thank goodness!) but what I have learned is that it does not mean they love Ryan (and I) any more or less than my parents. Instead, they express their love and affection differently... but the feeling of love is not any less than what I have with my parents. This was so obvious to me a couple of weeks ago when Ryan and I were moving. As the move came up suddenly and it was a dreaded weekend in the summer in Philadelphia when most people who can run for the beach, we found ourselves struggling to find friends to help with the move. Ryan phoned his parents, who had offered to help, and asked if they wouldn't mind coming. Initially they would just meet us at the new place to unload the truck but as the move got closer we realized we'd probably need them to help load, too. Thankfully a couple of friends were able to help as well (you rock!) but we would not have been able to do it with their help of carrying things, and Ryan's dad's expertise in loading a moving truck (going back to his high school days as a mover in the summers). Not only that, but after we unloaded the last item from the truck, Ryan's mom unloaded rations from her car... still warm homemade fried chicken, an array of delicious sides and chips, even plates, napkins and utensils. The thoughtfulness, generosity and kindness brings a tear to my eye as I write this. When you're in the middle of transition (and will likely not be able to cook for a series of days- which, if you know Ryan and I, is pretty miserable) there is really nothing as great as a home-cooked meal. That is love. Expressed differently than I was used to perhaps, but it is love. My parents, on the otherhand, chuckled when I asked them when they'd be in town to help move.... but their love was shown through several phone calls (sometimes in one day) to encourage, or let me vent about the massive amount of stuff that still needed to get done, etc. etc... and they will show their love by taking us out when they fly down to visit once we are all settled! I should mention they don't leave MA in the summer- the time of the year when they truly love living in New England :) Lucky them!
Focusing on the positive, being open to and receiving something as it is instead of wishing it was something else, is a mantra that I hope to maintain in all of my relationships. I was sharing this thought with my friend (previously mentioned, the amazing woman with her second set of twins keeping her busy... as well as the 2 year old boys) and she told a story that just hit it on the head for me. Her sister-in-law was described as an 'ultra-conservative' who, as my friend described, sounded like someone who was not open-minded and would be difficult to have a conversation with unless you agreed with her viewpoints. My friend does not agree with her, and said she would not necessarily choose to be friends with her. But, her sister-in-law will randomly call her up, and just say something to the effect of: "You are amazing. You are doing such a good job with your children, and I admire you for all that you are doing." Though they might not kick back with a glass of wine and share the state of their hearts with one another, the essence of that phone call is love... true, unconditional love. That is what we should hold on to. Instead of doing what I sometimes do, wishing that a relationship could be different. This might mean with a friend, wishing we saw each other more often, or wishing I kept better in touch with my friends who live far away, beating myself up for what I haven't done to maintain relationships. Though there is merit in seeing ways we can improve our relationships and communication, sometimes it is most important just sit back and, focus on the positive. It leaves me in a much better mood than when I focus on the negative, and that's got merit in my book.
One last thought... last night, Ryan and I got together with a friend and her two friends from work. Ryan was the only guy present (and though he did do a double check on the way there to make sure he wasn't crashing a ladies' night) and it just made me sit back in gratitude for what an amazing man I've married. I left the party for a moment to powder my nose, and I just thought to myself, I am so freaking lucky. Ryan is hilarious, kind, open-minded and considerate. He was the first to jump up to wash dishes, the first to laugh at himself when I started sharing embarrassing stories of our last fight, engaging in stories of pregnancy & fertility (one was pregnant, one is trying- not us on either count!), relationships and just being himself. Though I definitely wouldn't say I focus on the negative in our relationship, I don't always celebrate the positive as much as I should... perhaps I take things for granted. What a graced moment, to be a witness to what an amazing husband I have. Okay, enough of the gushing. But seriously, let's just focus on the positive!
I had to share a cheesy inspirational poster to round it all out:
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