Part of why I wanted to start a blog was to be more intentional and live life to the fullest instead of just letting things happen and then responding to the. This morning I have found myself pondering the question (which is multi-layered for sure): How did I get here? And no, I don't need the birds and the bees talk- I do teach human sexuality to high school students :) I mean, how did I get to this very moment in my life... all the experiences I've had or didn't have, people that I met or didn't meet, the conversations I missed or engaged in that changed my life or opinion, etc. The list goes on. But in the end, it is clear that there was some force at play in the midst of all of those little 'pieces' that led me to this point in my life. There is a beautiful new country song by Darius Rucker (formerly of Hootie and the Blowfish!) called 'This'. I love this song and and was reminded of why when a friend reflected this week on its meaning in her own life. Here are a few of my favorite lyrics:
And it's crazy to think that one little thing
Could have changed all of it
Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned
Maybe thats why I'm such, such a lucky man
For every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to this
It is such an interesting way to look at life and how all the little pieces of our life fall into place 'just so' and could easily have gone entirely different ways.
Having a few days off from school, I have enjoyed the opportunity to re-connect with people I haven't seen in awhile due to crazy schedules, etc. And it really reminds me how many different relationships and experiences have shaped me into who I am today. These are all of the positive and life-giving moments that have made me who I am today. But there have also been times of darkness and desolation where it felt like I had fallen into a black hole and would never get out. Those experiences have certainly been just as formative (if not more) than the other more life-giving experiences. Yesterday I spent a few hours answering the phones at the crisis hotline and had a couple of conversations with a young man that has particularly stuck with me. Let's call him Chris. He was probably in his late 20's, and had recently broken up with his girlfriend of over 4 years. They'd lived together for three of the four years, and as far as he could see, were getting ready to get married. When she decided to end the relationship (and subsequently start dating someone else almost immediately), Chris' world was turned upside-down. His entire identity had become about their relationship, and as such he was struggling to get out of bed, to see a light at the end of this tunnel or to find hope in the future. His depression and suicidal thoughts gave him the impetus to call our hotline (thankfully) and the great news is that he realized he needed help, and after two phone conversations, he agreed to access it. I felt such empathy for him, imagining how it must feel to lose a person who has become such an integral part of your daily life and identity. It's almost like a death. And yet, I know (though he can't see or know this right now) that he will heal and grow from this loss... and be a better person, stronger, more self-aware and confident because of this experience. Isn't that what life is all about? Growing, learning, being challenged and fulfilled?
It's nice to sit back and reflect on the positive experiences that have made me who I am today and feel all warm and fuzzy about it. But I think it's also important to sometimes look back on those times of desolation because I think we can learn even more about ourselves in and through that darkness and pain (the things we want to forget about most).
It's ironic- as I am writing this, I have Rachael Ray on in the background. One of Ryan's favorite shows is 'Bizarre Foods' with Andrew Zimmern, and he is a guest on RR today. I never knew, but he was an addict and homeless at one time in his life. Today he is happily married, successful TV personality and a happy, fulfilled person. Their conversation is centered on why doesn't he talk more about his experiences of addiction and homelessness... we don't want to go 'there' as a culture, and like to stay in the warm fuzzy places. But the reality is, as we all know, is that it's not always warm and fuzzy!
As Rachael said, it's all about the human condition :) Here's a link to the story and the work that Andrew is doing with the Travel Channel for the 100,000 Homes Campaign: Rachael and Andrew
I'm going to stick with this idea for a bit, of remembering and giving thanks for the many experiences, both painful, life-giving, and the days in between, that have brought me here to this!
"People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
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