Indifference

When I am not packing like a maniac (we are moving!), I have enjoyed finishing up James Martin's My Life with the Saints.  One of the most recent themes that has stayed on my mind is the idea of Ignatian indifference.  We aren't talking about being apathetic here, or lazy.  Instead, it is more a spirit of openness and trust, not being too attached to any one thing or option.  This practice of indifference sounds fluffy and floaty to me, and often far from reality.  That's because my intrinsic desire is to have control, and when I find something I want, I want it.  When I can't have whatever 'it' is, there is often a flurry of frustration, annoyance and and overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.  Sometimes I even think to myself (though I'd probably not say it to anyone for fear of sounding self-centered) that it just isn't 'fair'.  And I know, my dad told me life isn't always fair... but can't a girl dream?
I'd imagine those emotions and feelings are due to the fact that my motivations for wanting something are often rooted in my ego and self-centered desire...  As in, I am selfish and certainly not indifferent.  Ignatius of Loyola says in the principal and foundation of the spiritual exercises that indifference doesn't mean that we can't have preferences, but rather that we put those preferences and desires into God's hands.  Basically, we let go of control and develop the trust that we are being led where we are supposed to be led... even if that might mean it isn't where we'd necessarily choose to be.  I hope to continue to develop my spiritual indifference, as it can provide a lot more comfort and stability in a world that isn't really all that stable.
Over the last few weeks, Ryan and I decided we definitely wanted to move out of this old, drafty house in Manayunk and move to an area with more trees, parking, efficient heating and away from the city.  Traffic has become a menace, causing Ryan's commute home to be upwards of two hours on an average day (add that to the morning commute of at least an hour.... yikes).  Even the most zen person would be driven mad by this (I'd imagine) but somehow Ryan's held it together thus far.  But I don't want to play with fire, so I readily agreed to move a little further from my work to find a middle ground.  We identified the area we wanted to live, complete with a main street full of great restaurants and shops, an awesome farmer's market (at least 20 stands!!) that, coupled with our CSA, could be all the grocery shopping we need to do.  It's also along a part of the river with trails and water sports, and lots of other small-townie stuff.  We looked around at a bunch of houses and apartments and, let's just say, they left something to be desired.  The area has totally revitalized in the last 3-5 years, and as a result, the rents have gone up.  We were in a predicament, and forged ahead, figuring we could always just stay where we are at for now until something better came along (complete with the 3 hour total commute for Ryan).  Letting go of control and not freaking out were hard for me.  But, I did it.  I can honestly say there was not one night in the last month where I've had trouble sleeping (usually the first sign of my lack of indifference!)... and in the fourth quarter, we found an amazing condo that will be home by this weekend!  We saw it a week ago, signed the lease this weekend and have begun the process of moving that is all too familiar to us now.  It's within walking distance of the downtown area and the trails along the river, a few minutes from the highways, and has lots of modern conveniences we don't currently enjoy (central air, dishwasher, efficient heating, etc) as well as parking, a pool and lots and lots of trees and grass.  Though we don't have a yard for Annie, we do have a patio... and it's super dog-friendly so there is a dog run on the property and lots of poop bag dispensers (hooray) so it'll be a good fit I think!  Bubba will be sad to not have deep windowsills to lay in, but I imagine he'll love snuggling in the sun of the glass sliders...  Life is good.  It's amazing what happens when you just kind of let it happen.  It's also amazing how well-rested and centered I feel despite the total disarray of our house and life right now!  Speaking of, I should be packing right now.... after making some gazpacho with the rations from our CSA!