Give yourself permission

Last night I indulged myself in trying out the 'live music' yoga class in my new 'hood.  My father is a regular yoga practitioner, attending classes like clockwork three times a week for several years now.  I've taken a few classes with him when our schedules have allowed, but I have never caught the passion for yoga quite as he has.  I think part of my reason for that is that I think of yoga as an indulgence... it costs money to have a 'good' yoga teacher.  There was a time that our local gym had an awesome teacher, but since she moved to NYC a couple of years ago, I've been unable to find someone I like (and who teaches classes in the evenings).  I'd never considered a yoga studio before, though I listened to some of my friends talk about it and it sounded like a heavenly experience.  When I saw the sign for 'Friday night live music yoga' for just $6, I figured it would be spending less than if I went to happy hour so I might as well give it a try!
In the last few weeks, I've been internalizing a bit of frustration over some issues with my back.  Getting some x-rays this week (just to have, as the doctor said) and spending an excessive amount of time at the hospital where I got them done led me to enter what I may call panic mode.  I watched people go by with canes or in wheelchairs and I wondered if/when that would be me.  I felt pangs of guilt associated with these thoughts, as I told myself I should be grateful that I can even walk, see, talk, etc.  I wondered when I'd be able to run again (I have a 10K mud run coming up to celebrate our second anniversary of marriage- romantic, I know).  I thought about how sick I am of going to get treatments on my back 3-4 times a week, and that they seem to be set back by things out of my control (like having to give my dog a bath after she rolled in poop on our walk earlier this week... lifting a 45 lb dog into the tub- twice since she escaped the first time- is something I used to be able to do easily) and then I was berating myself again for being so selfish, feeling sorry for myself when really, my problems aren't all that bad in the end. 
As I sweated, stretched and deepened my mindfulness last night at yoga, the musicians played an acoustic rendering of Bob Marley's Three Little Birds.  The refrain, 'every little thing's gonna be alright' warmed my soul.  I literally felt an air of peace, acceptance and surrender come over my body, my mind and my heart.  The tension in my shoulders, my jaw, and my lower back loosened.  As the yoga practice wrapped up and I lay on my back, I considered how healing and challenging this past hour had been for me.  I realized that I needed to give myself permission to practice yoga or to find other things that helped my back and my spirit cope with whatever is going on in my body.  Most importantly, I need to stop dismissing my concerns or holding them up against the concerns or problems of others to somehow prove their worthiness or unworthiness. 
As Ryan pointed out to me last night, yoga will be a way for me to not only release the tension and challenge myself physically... it will also be a way to center myself and release the tension I hold related to stress, anxiety, and everything else.  Who knows, that just might be part of the problem with my back in the end.  Either way, I am giving myself permission to indulge and do something for me... no altruism here, just self-care.  And that's not a bad thing.